Are you the one who always pays the bill after a group meal or after friends meeting at a restaurant? Do you feel so bad when someone offers to pay the bill so that you insist that you are going to take care of it? When somebody compliments you do you say things like "No no that was nothing at all" or "Come one, don't say that" ?
Ok, we have some work to do then.
This is a very common problem with women, and most of them are not even aware of this problem. We, women, tend to think about others first and deprioritize us, usually than men do. And why is that? It can be the education women were given from a very small age, or it can be the family that one grew with, or it can simply be the society.
Girls are taught to be nice and to give more and take less while boys were taught to be ambitious and go for their dreams. Most of the times it comes from our own families. How many of us have mothers who gave all the best bits to the family, and ate the rest at last? How many of us have mothers who spent all the money on her children and didn't spend a penny on buying nice clothes, or to give herself a treat? How many of us have mothers and grand mothers who spent all their life time doing chores, raising kids, cooking for the family and giving their best always to the others?
That was the typical role of a woman in our society for many years, and this was what most of the women today were grown up with. And this script is written in our brains as a block, and subconsciously we tend to follow the paths of our parents and our ancestors. These patterns are saved in our brains as the way of living. Unless one takes efforts to work against it, these patterns stay in our brains permanently.
It was not so long ago that women had absolutely no voice in society. It still takes a brave woman to make a sound. But society has developed so much during the last few decades, that women can achieve anything they want if they have the will today. Thanks to the many brave women in the past who worked hard to make a change and to make a voice in this society, women today have much better lives and rights in their lives. The world today is a world with equal rights, for men and women, at least it is supposed to be.
No matter how the world changes, with the wrong mindset, still nothing can be achieved. And that brings us to our topic, receiving. Receiving is an art and it has to be practiced. If you are not used to receiving, now is the time to make the habit.
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I would like to share a real story. I have a friend, whom I go for tea from time to time. She is a darling, she has the kindest heart. Every time we go to a coffee shop or a restaurant, when the bill comes she is the first to pay. And she insists that it is hard to argue with. First few times I was grateful and I thanked her for her kindness. And after so many times, I decided to stand strong and pay the bill no matter how much she insists. And I noticed that she was very uncomfortable letting someone else pay because she feels obliged to pay the bill, no matter what.
I know her very well and I know that she is fighting with her self in this, and so I insisted to pay. But think, she could be used every time she goes out. People could use her problem in their favour.
Receiving is an art and it has to be practiced. Especially for women. In a world that is growing and changing very fast, we are bombarded with so many wrong concepts and they stick to our brains so strong that it is almost impossible to not to believe in them. The successful women who know what they want or who demand to have what they want, are labeled with B word. If a woman is clear about what her standards are, then she is suddenly a mean person. Ambitious women are seen as some rude species. We are shown over and over by the film and broadcasting industry that successful businesswomen are either bitchy bosses, or they have no good family life, divorced and suffering from loneliness. It is like, women cannot have it all. Be a good nurturer for the rest of the life or be a business women who has nothing else. And how about the successful men in the movies? Are they also shown in the same way? ( Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against men, in fact, I love them. They have literally built the world and most of the technology that let us have easy lives today. But now it is time for women to contribute the world in the same manner, and to rise and shine than ever before)
This wrong image is preventing many women from achieving more money, more luxury, more wealth and keep them from going to the next level of their businesses and lives. We think that we will be bitches if we have more money, or if we tell people very clearly what our standards are, then the world will think that we are divas. So most of the women don't go any step further, and they start telling themselves that they did the right thing. And there are plenty of people to make us think like that, but not the other way around.
Last week I was watching a tv show here on German TV, and in this show, they were talking about famous artists in the last ten to twenty years. And then there was Mariah Carey. It was said that she uses some special spring water to bath, and she is very strict on this. And then there was this woman in the show, really started bitching about Mariah Carey and she told that Mariah should deal with her problems first and on and on but so vigorously.
I was thinking, what has Mariah done to her? And what was her problem? I have no idea why Mariah prefers that special water, but hey, it is her life, and she decides what she wants. She has money to afford it, the money she earned by working, and she has put her standards up in her life. Does that make her a bitch? And the woman who bad-mouthed her, what do you think that she has achieved? So am I the only one who sniffs some jealousy here?
Gorgeous ladies, you cannot make everyone happy. You just can't. You only can be responsible for your own lives. Take control of your life, and have what you wish for your life, no matter what the world says. The critics who are bad-mouthing, they do it because they can't have what you have. If they have what you have, do you think they will still bitch about it?
If someone is offering something, receive it. I sometimes tell it literally, " Thank you, that is very kind of you, and yes I will receive it." And it makes me feel good. I then feel that I receive things from the universe. The universe sees how grateful I am for receiving, and it never stops sending good thing into my life. Indeed you can choose what you want to receive, you can be grateful and yet reject if that is not something for you. But never refuse because you think that somebody else always deserves it than you, or that you are not worthy of receiving.
This guilt of receiving things, is mostly a women's problem. Some men have it too, but it is very rare. As I mentioned before, it comes from our ancestors, that mother was always a giver, she gave birth to children, she gave her time and energy for her children, she cooked food for the family, she cleaned household for others, actually, all she did was maintaining other's lives. This was the typical duty of the woman for a very long time and this code is still there in our brains. No matter how much society has changed, most of the women still can't receive without guilt.
If you are one of those women, start making changes in your life today. You can start with a simple step such as taking out that beautiful china which is laying in your cupboard for the guests. Make tea in that beautiful teapot, and pour milk in that beautiful milk pot, and drink tea in china, sitting at your favourite spot in your house. This will not cost you a dime, but this gives you the utmost pleasure of feeling important, knowing that YOU too deserve good things in life.
"It is OK for YOU to receive, and it is OK for YOU to say No."
In our home, there is no cutlery or pottery that I haven't used and saving for guests. It doesn't matter if it is china, crystal glasses or sliver, I have used them all in certain times. I host tea at home, just for me and my husband. When I do, those best cutlery and pottery is used, different one at each time, so I use all of them from time to time.
If you have children, take some time off just for yourself, and go to a spa. And NO, that money is not a waste, and NO don't think that you could spend that money to buy something nice for your children. Your children need a happy and confident mother who takes care of her self and who gives her self priority. So your children will grow up into a confident, self-caring and self-respecting person, just like their mother.
Go to your favourite coffee shop, sit there, just by your self if you don't have a friend to take with you and order your favourite coffee or tea with your favourite sweet treat. Read a book sitting there, and enjoy time for yourself.
Buy that luxurious shower gel, and use fresh towels and pamper your self in your shower. Buy new underwears, throw away all those oldies and the ugly grandma underwears. Buy something nice, treat yourself and celebrate your feminity.
Start creating abundance in your life, step by step. (Read What is Elegant Luxurious Living?)
Think of in which areas you have trouble receiving. If you feel bad to receive compliments, then start working on that. When someone says that you have lost weight or that your dress looks amazing on you, then how do you answer? Do you say, "Oh No No I haven't lost weight, I still look so fat" or " Oh don't, this is a cheap dress that I found in the bazaar"? If so, from now start saying " Oh thank you, yes I think I have lost few pounds, and thanks for noticing" or "Thank you, I like the dress too and I feel good in it".
I know it may come hard for some of us to just say "Thank you" instead of fighting to chase that compliment completely away, and that is OK. That is normal if you are not used to accepting compliments. But we are going to try and change it, no matter what.
Practice saying "Thank you" out loud, when you get a compliment. No matter how hard your tongue tries to start that compliment- sabotaging phrases right after that, force your tongue just to say just "Thank you". And you forcefully stop any other words coming out of your mouth. You need to practice this deliberately, and then it becomes easier and normal. Saying thank you and accepting the compliment becomes your new normal. How wonderful is that?
So ladies, start today. Think of which areas you have this blocks of receiving, and in which intensity, and start working towards them today. Give priority to yourself, put your standards higher, demand for what you want, and do not be the person who always has to change plans and needs for others and to sacrifice for others. Let someone else change their agendas for you for once. See how good it feels, and see how reluctant and shocked others might become when it comes to their turn.
To all the women who struggle right now feeling guilty to receive and sacrificing endlessly, my thoughts are with you, and I am so proud of you that you have decided to take steps towards your dream life, towards your goals and your happiness. If not, you won't be reading this article right now. So let's get started, right now.
All the best for you ladies.